


The Light In Your Eyes

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Modern DPS AU [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: AND GAY, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bad Poetry, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Poetry, Suicide Attempt, Texting, also cameron doesn't exist because fuck you that's why, didn't want to have to write him in this fic, everyone is sad, except knox and chris apparently, he's an interesting character but i just, it's not entirely sad, leave me alone lol, neil perry is sad, this is so fucking long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19391689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: Neil stared at the gun.The gun stared right back.Or, in other words, this was supposed to be a short one-shot where Neil was about to kill himself and Todd called him and stopped him, and then I couldn't stop writing it and it turned into this monstrosity that was literally twenty pages long on Google Docs.I have no regrets.





	The Light In Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I've literally been working on this story for over a month and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I really wanted to get it out there. This is the longest non-chaptered fic I have ever written, which is sort of insane, but I had a lot of fun with it.
> 
> Additionally, this is my first work in the DPS fandom, so if anyone's out of character, please just humor me. I'll get better with time.
> 
> With all of that out of the way, please enjoy...whatever the fuck this is!
> 
> Nico x

Neil stared at the gun.

The gun stared right back.

Had he considered doing it in the past? Of course. He’d made plans three years ago, back in ninth grade. Found his father’s gun tucked away in its drawer, sat in his room for an hour with his head in his hands, wondering exactly  _ why _ he couldn’t get his mind off of it, repeating over and over again

_ what did i just do _

_ what did i just do _

_ what did i just do. _

It felt like he’d opened a floodgate, broken a dam, and all of a sudden the thoughts he’d been trying to suppress for years had all broken out and all he could think about was how it would just take a moment and he’d be dead.

In the end, he couldn’t bring his shaking hands to write the note.

In the end, he stayed alive.

And yet here he was again, sitting at his father’s desk, his forest crown from the play on his head, a reminder of the one time he truly felt at home, like himself. But...he’d never get to feel that again.

Slowly, almost painfully so, Neil ran a finger over the gun’s barrel, down to its trigger, wrapping his hand around it and beginning to lift it from the desk, feeling its weight in his palm, lifting it to press the barrel to his head - 

On the desk, his phone buzzed with a text.

Then another.

Both from Todd.

_ Hey, I didn’t get to talk to you after the play. You were really great! _

_ Are you up for a call? _

Choking on a relieved sob, Neil dropped the gun, unlocked his phone, and typed a reply with trembling hands.

_ oh god please _

His phone buzzed again, with a call this time. It flashed Todd’s name and his picture and Neil wiped away the tears running silently, freely down his face before answering.

“Hey, Neil.”

“H-hey, Todd. How are you?”

He could hear the frown in Todd’s voice as he replied. “I think the better question is, how are  _ you?” _

“I’ve been better,” Neil admitted with a forced, watery laugh.

“What’s wrong? Are you safe?”

“...Maybe not.”

“Okay, just hold on. Um, I-I’m still at Welton, where are you?”

“At home.”

“I’ll be there in...forty-five minutes. Will you be alright until then?”

“I can try,” Neil whispered, his gaze drifting back down to the gun in front of him.

By the time Todd’s car pulled up outside Neil’s house, Neil was sitting on the front porch, fully dressed, the gun tucked back away in his father’s drawer, and his forest crown sitting in his lap. He sprang to his feet when Todd arrived, watching as the window rolled down.

Todd offered him the barest of smiles, still in his pajamas. “Need a ride?”

Neil got in on the passenger’s side without a word, crown clutched close to his chest, and Todd began driving.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Never thought I’d say this, but I want to go to Welton.”

Todd smiled and nodded. He was silent - not poking, prodding, or prying, not trying to force an answer out of Neil, just...open. Open to conversation.

“My dad wants to take me out of Welton. Enroll me in a military academy instead.” Neil looked down at the crown in his lap, tugging gently at one of the fake branches. “I won’t be able to keep acting.”

“What did you say to him?”

“Nothing. I mean, what could I say that he wouldn’t just brush off?” He hesitated with a heavy sigh. “I...I did something, though. Well - I  _ almost _ did something.”

After a lengthy, tense silence, Todd glanced at Neil out of the corner of his eye. “Neil?”

“My - my dad, he, uh...he keeps his gun in a drawer on his nightstand. I’ve known where it is since ninth grade. You know, just in case.”

Todd blinked. “In case of what?”

“Todd, you might want to pull over.”

He didn’t ask any questions. He just stopped by the side of the road, turning to face Neil directly.

“I’m glad you texted when you did,” Neil continued quietly. “I thought I was going to do it. I really did.”

“Do what, Neil?”

Neil almost said it. He  _ tried _ to say it, but...he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

Instead, he shook his head, turning to look out the window. “Let’s just go to Welton.”

When they arrived, sneaking back into the school and trying desperately not to wake anyone, Neil almost started crying again, just out of sheer relief.

This,  _ this _ was home. In the little room that he shared with Todd. A room full of memories, poetry, rehearsing lines well past the time he was supposed to be sleeping. A room that he'd made his.

Todd followed him inside, reaching out to gently take Neil’s crown from his hands and place it by the window. “Are you tired, or would you rather talk?”

“I...I think I should get some sleep.”

Todd nodded, getting into bed as Neil changed into his pajamas and settled into his own bed.

The silence was broken by a shaky whisper.

“Todd?”

Todd rolled over to face Neil, though Neil was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Yeah?”

“Can you, um…?” Neil exhaled slowly, closing eyes burned red with tears. “I just - I need you.”

He heard the realization click into place in Todd’s tone. “Oh. O-of course.”

Neil felt the bed dip behind him, immediately turning toward the thin arms and warm body there, burying his head in Todd’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Todd asked, pulling back just a little. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah,” Neil whispered, his voice breaking. “This is - this is perfect. Thank you.”

He barely managed to choke out the words between tears that stung his raw eyes, and Todd’s arms tightened slightly around him, not constricting, just holding him close and letting him cry freely.

They’d been laying there for at least half an hour, in silence aside from Neil’s sobs, before Todd spoke.

“I remember when you told me you were going to act,” he said, prompting a half-laugh from Neil.

“Well, I should hope you do, it wasn’t so long ago.”

Todd laughed quietly as well before continuing. “You...you were so excited. There was a light in your eyes like I’d never seen before, but I’ve seen it a lot since then. Every time you got back from rehearsal, for example. When you were practicing your lines. When you were up there onstage, as Puck.”

Neil smiled weakly but said nothing.

“I don’t want you to ever lose that light again,” Todd added softly. “You’re always amazing, but the passion you have makes you incredible.”

“Thank you,” Neil said, shifting a little closer to Todd.

Todd offered him a small smile. “Good night, Neil.”

“Good night, Todd.”

Todd opened the door to his and Neil’s room just a crack and his gaze immediately fell on Neil, wrapped in a blanket in his bed like he’d taken to doing immediately after returning from his classes.

“Hey,” Todd said, tone careful and words quiet. “There’s a DPS meeting tonight, you usually run them...are you feeling up to it?”

Neil sighed, shifting slightly in his bed. “I’m sorry, I just - I can’t. Not yet.”

“That’s okay,” Todd assured him. Though he wanted to just ask Neil what had happened outright, he knew he couldn’t push him until he was ready.

“It’s okay,” Todd repeated, more to himself than to Neil, as he leaned back against the door. “How’ve you been feeling today?”

“...Worse.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Soon,” Neil promised. “I mean it. Soon.”

After bidding Neil goodbye, Todd stepped outside their room, immediately being crowded by the other members of the Dead Poet’s Society.

“How is he?”

“Did he tell you what happened?”

“Is he coming to the meeting?”

“Guys, calm down. You’re freaking him out,” Charlie said, pushing through the boys to stand next to Todd. “Go ahead.”

“Neil, um…” Todd glanced at the ground. It was so much easier to talk, to spin his thoughts into words, when it was just him and Neil, or him, the paper, and the pen. “He said he’s feeling worse than he has been. He’s not coming to the meeting tonight, but he said he’d talk about it soon.”

“I hope so!” Knox said loudly. “I just want Neil back. The most I’ve seen of him was when Mr. Keating called on him during class yesterday.”

“He didn’t tell us what happened. All we know is that he’s still getting over it,” Todd pointed out. “Come on, we need to leave soon if we want to have the meeting.”

He didn’t tell them about how Neil had talked about his father’s gun that night.

In Neil’s absence, Charlie started the meeting instead, but none of them seemed to know how to continue.

Todd’s fingers tightened on the notebook he’d brought. He’d never read anything before, much less his own work, but...there was no time like the present, was there?

“I, um - “ Todd winced at how loud his voice sounded in the silence. “I have something I could share. Maybe.”

“Really?” Meeks asked. “But you’ve never - “

Charlie elbowed him. “Shush, Meeks, just let the kid read.”

“Even the stars burn out sometimes,” Todd began softly. 

“They live too much

Or not at all

They’ve lost everything

Or gained a galaxy

They need time to grieve

Or to process

Ors and others

This and that

Binary building blocks

Separated

But it is in the nature of building blocks

To block together in a spectacle

Of reason

Or reasons

And it is in the nature of stars

To block their reasons the same way

Unfathomable

Unreachable

Unheard

Far, far away

And far from understood.”

His poem was met with silence.

“You’re pretty worried about him, huh?” Charlie asked, his voice unusually soft.

“Aren’t we all?” Todd replied.

“You’re the only one of us who knows anything about what happened,” Pitts pointed out. “Speaking of that, you ever going to tell us about it?”

“Don’t push him, Pitts,” Meeks chided.

Todd shook his head. “It’s not up to me to tell you. It’s Neil’s choice.”

“Understandable,” Knox said with a nod. “Anybody else want to share?”

No one replied.

“I guess we’re done here, then.” Knox shrugged. “Todd, I’ll bet you want to get back to Neil.”

“I really am worried about him,” Todd admitted. “Guys, am I crazy? I-I care about him so much…”

Charlie just smiled, like he knew something Todd didn’t. “We know. Just go talk to him.”

“You’re still awake?”

Neil sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve slept in three days.”

Todd frowned, sitting down on his own bed. “Why not?”

“I just - “ Neil ran his fingers through his hair with a frustrated groan. “I can’t stop  _ thinking!” _

“Is there anything I can do?” Todd asked.

“Well...you remember the night I came back, right?”

Todd nodded.

“You stayed with me...that’s the last time I slept. That helped, but if - if you’re not comfortable with that, then I get it.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I want to help you, Neil.”

Neil smiled slightly as Todd stood from his own bed and climbed into Neil’s. “Thanks.”

“Come on, lay down,” Todd prompted, wrapping an arm around him. “It’s getting late, and you need sleep.”

It took two weeks, after that.

Two weeks of worried glances at Neil during classes, only to see him staring out the window or scribbling something in his notebook, always with a sort of sadness in his eyes that Todd could only describe as haunted.

_ Haunted by what? _

Two weeks of Neil hiding away in their room whenever he wasn’t being forced to attend classes, sometimes buried under a blanket in his bed, sometimes writing something at his desk, sometimes sitting by the window and alternating between staring at the snowy landscape or the forest crown in his hands.

But no matter where he was or what he was doing, that sadness always seemed to follow him.

Two weeks of Todd talking to the members of the Dead Poet’s Society late into the night every evening, dropping by his and Neil’s room to ask if he wanted to join them in the cave, and Neil’s answer was always the same.

_ Not tonight. I can’t. _

But one afternoon, after those two weeks that may have very well been the worst two weeks of Todd’s life, when he went up to their shared room, he heard two voices coming from inside.

“You’re coming home. Now.”

“But…”

“No, you don’t have a choice.”

“It’s not like I ever have,” Neil muttered.

“Are you not happy with everything your mother and I have provided for you?”

“All you’ve ever given me is food to eat and a place to sleep when you aren’t shipping me off to some boarding school. You don’t care about me and you don’t give me anything that really matters.”

“...What is this? Is this from the play?”

“Don’t touch that!”

“You’d better have stopped that acting business.”

“I did! I haven’t stepped onstage since I got back. Please, just put that down.”

“If you’d really stopped, I don’t think this would mean so much to you, would it?”

There was a lengthy, tense silence.

“You’ll be out of this school by the end of the month.”

The door flung open, and Todd had to jump back to avoid being hit by it as Neil’s father walked stiffly, angrily, from the room.

Todd stepped inside and pulled the door closed behind him, his gaze falling on Neil sitting on his bed, clutching the snapped, broken halves of his forest crown, shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

“Neil…” Todd began softly, not really knowing what to do.

Neil wiped the tears from his cheeks with the heel of his hand. “He...he broke it,” he said, quiet and helpless. “The one thing I had from the play, and he broke it.”

“We can fix it,” Todd insisted, rushing over and sitting next to Neil, taking the pieces of the crown and arranging them how they had been before. “We just need some glue, see?”

“I-I know,” Neil said, taking a shaky breath. “I just...wasn’t expecting him to be here, that’s all.”

“It’s okay,” Todd assured him, pulling him into a hug. “He won’t control you forever.”

There was a harsh knock outside their room, and Neil flinched, pulling away.

“Todd! We’re leaving in five minutes!” Charlie shouted from the other side of the door.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Todd called back before turning to Neil again. “There’s...there’s a DPS meeting tonight. You up for it?”

Neil glanced down at his crown on Todd’s lap, his eyes growing steely and determined as he stood and grabbed a notebook from his desk, flipping through the pages before settling on one for a few moments. He looked back at Todd, and something was different, but he couldn’t quite place it. 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Neil seemed determined to get to the cave as fast as possible, leaving the others trailing behind in silent shock as he trudged through the snow ahead.

“You didn’t tell us he was coming today!” Charlie hissed to Todd as they struggled to catch up.

“I didn’t know,” Todd replied, eyes fixed on Neil ahead of them.

“Maybe now we’ll finally find out what’s been going on with him,” Knox whispered.

“Maybe,” Todd echoed.

But once they arrived, Neil had simply taken a seat in the corner, turning the pages in his little notebook, barely looking up as everyone arrived.

Todd sat quietly by his side, ignoring the sounds of their friends reading poems around them. “Are you okay?” He asked after a while.

“I feel…” Neil hesitated. “I feel more alive than I have since the play.”

“What do you mean?”

Neil turned to look Todd in the eye, and he could see the softest hint of that signature Neil Perry grin, and Todd realized what had changed when he saw the sparkle begin to return to his gaze even through the tears. “I mean, somehow, I don’t just feel sad, or - or empty. I feel  _ alive.” _ He stood abruptly. “Guys? I want to read.”

Silence fell in their little cave.

“It’s something I wrote,” Neil continued. “I hope you guys like it.”

And with that, he began.

“I stare at the gun

And the gun stares right back

Eyes watching me

Darkness drowning me

Filtering from my thoughts

To wrap around my fingers

Like twisted strings

A horrific climax

To a nightmarish play

Prompting me to lift the gun

My aim petrifyingly perfect

Despite my hands

The way they shake steadily

Predictably

Fighting against the thoughts that bind them

And with a snap

They break free

The gun falls

And I run from my father’s office

His force and his words

Fully intending to never return

But in my mind I am always there

Waiting, considering...dying.”

No one said a word, but Todd stood and Neil turned to face him.

“You...when we were on the phone, you said you weren’t safe,” Todd pointed out quietly, although in the silence and with the sudden heaviness that his words held, he may as well have been shouting. “Neil, were you going t-to…?”

“But I didn’t,” Neil interrupted, voice strained and words hasty. “I-I had the gun, I was going to pull the trigger, but then you texted me and I just...couldn’t do it.”

“That sort of thing isn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision,” Charlie pointed out. “So...how long?”

Everyone’s attention turned to Neil.

Neil’s turned to the others, and then to the ground before his whispered reply.

“Three years.”

“Three years?” Meeks echoed. “Neil, you could’ve said something. We would’ve helped you.”

“There’s...a lot I never told you guys. Any of you,” Neil admitted. “I came out to my parents as gay in ninth grade. They...obviously didn’t react so well, so I didn’t tell anyone else. It was that night that I found my dad’s gun, and I sat there for a - “ He laughed shakily. “A while, just thinking about doing it. But I put the gun away, and I found a knife instead, and, well...there’s a reason I never wear shorts anymore.”

Todd’s gaze flicked to Neil’s legs. “Have you...did you…?”

“I stopped,” Neil said, glancing over his shoulder at Todd. “The last time I did it was the night I got here. And  _ no,  _ Todd, I see that look. It's not your fault that you didn't notice.”

“Right now, what's important is what we can do to help,” Charlie pointed out. “So, Neil...what can we do for you?”

“This is clearly affecting you,” Pitts added. “You really haven't been yourself.”

“I don't think I could find a therapist until I get out of here,” Neil said with a sigh. “For now, the best I can do is just to talk about it with you guys.”

“You can always come to us,” Meeks assured him. “About anything. Right, guys?”

The others echoed their support.

But Todd was silent, just watching Neil - or, rather, the back of Neil’s head, as he was facing the others - with the strangest expression on his face, halfway between devastation and curiosity. Questions were written across his face, with tears and pain spilling from his eyes and concern buried in the sharp corners of his frown.

“Todd?” Charlie prompted, and even Neil turned to look as Todd hurriedly wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Y-yeah,” Todd said quickly. “Sorry, I just - Neil, I’m...I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

Neil smiled, though the furrow in his brow and the sadness in his eyes betrayed him. “That’s because I didn’t want you to know.”

“But you were - you were struggling, and you were struggling  _ alone, _ and I’m just so, so sorry.”

“I didn’t know how you guys would react,” Neil admitted quietly. “I’m...not really who you thought I was.”

“You’re still you,” Todd pointed out. “And...I care about you. We  _ all _ care about you.”

“It’s true,” Charlie said. “Neil, you should’ve heard the poem Todd read, our first meeting after you got back.”

Neil raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly as he glanced over at Todd. “You read something?”

Todd’s face flushed and he ducked his head. “...Maybe.”

“That’s great! I’m happy for you.”

Todd could hear the grin in Neil’s tone, and he felt like maybe, for the first time in a long time, Neil wasn’t just pretending to be okay.

When they returned to their rooms late in the night after their meeting, Todd sat down on his bed, lost in thought, as Neil climbed into his own, turning on his side to face Todd.

“You’re thinking,” he said, more of a statement than a question. “I can practically hear it. What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” Todd said dismissively. “Just, well...do you still need me now that you can actually talk about what happened?”

Neil frowned. “You think that’s the only reason I asked you to sleep in my bed?”

Todd shrugged, busying himself with taking off his shoes.

“Todd, you’re my best friend, and I - sure, I can talk to the others, but there’s just something different about having you here. It - it helps in a way I can’t really explain.”

Looking back up at Neil, Todd could see the sincerity and fondness in his gaze. Some of the tension seeped from his shoulders and he allowed himself a small smile. “Okay,” he said quietly. “So…”

Neil sat up, sliding toward the wall to make space for Todd. “You’re an idiot.”

Todd settled next to Neil with a miniscule smile, one that Neil almost missed. 

“I know.”

The next day, Neil’s renewed presence in class was noticeable. He didn’t slink to the back of the room or shy away from anyone’s gaze. It wasn’t as if he’d suddenly gone right back to normal, but he was more open, and it showed.

By the time they arrived in Mr. Keating’s classroom, Neil was talking and laughing with everyone, that old smile making its way onto his face, and however slowly it was happening, it seemed like he was getting a little closer to being okay with each tick of the second hand on the clock up on the wall.

Mr. Keating was leaning against his desk, flicking through a book of Whitman’s poems. Todd smiled as he imagined he could almost see the faint lines of the excerpt from one of those poems on the blackboard, the one that showed him that he was a poet after all.

Mr. Keating looked up from his book with a warm smile, his gaze roaming the classroom and settling on Neil after a few moments. “It’s good to have you back with us, Mr. Perry,” he said, not quite loud enough for the class to hear, but not so quiet that it went unnoticed. “Stick around for a moment after the lesson. We have some catching up to do.”

Neil glanced over and caught Todd’s eye, a glint in his gaze that seemed almost questioning.

Todd simply offered a shrug in return.

Neil took his time with gathering his textbooks after class was over, watching from the corner of his eye as Mr. Keating made his way over to sit on the desk in front of his.

“You wanted to speak to me, Captain?” Neil asked, forcing an almost alien level of brightness into his voice.

“You didn’t talk to your father.”

It was a statement. Never a question, not with Mr. Keating. Somehow, he’d always just seemed to  _ know, _ to read Neil and pick him apart like a stanza in a poem.

“I didn’t,” Neil confirmed quietly, letting himself fall, letting the false cheeriness drip from his voice and down into the gutter.

“After the play, was there...something you were considering? Something dangerous?”

Neil looked away, staring out the window at the snow on the ground, the snow that had begun to melt, the tips of the blades of uncut grass poking through. “I had my father’s gun. I was considering using it, but not to kill someone else, if - if you understand what I’m saying here.”

“Ah, but you  _ would _ have killed someone else,” Mr. Keating corrected. “To kill yourself, Mr. Perry, you would not limit the pain to yourself in your final moments. You would hurt everyone whose life has ever been impacted by you. When we commit suicide, we kill those closest to us along with ourselves. Remember that.”

Neil frowned. “How do you...why do you know so much about this?”

The Captain smiled ever so slightly, a bittersweet smile that gave away both nothing and everything at the same time. “I’ve had my fair share of attempts.”

“...Oh.”

Mr. Keating waved a hand dismissively, brushing away any possible response. “They were years ago. And besides, both of us are here now, and isn’t that what counts?” With a sigh, he stood, adjusting his shirt. “I know there are people in this world that you love, Mr. Perry. I’ve seen the way you write and I’ve seen how your gaze wanders - yes, I know you aren’t always paying attention in my class, but I’ll let that slide for now - and even if you can’t stay alive for  _ what _ you love, at least stay alive for  _ who _ you love.”

“I can try, Captain,” Neil promised, picking up the stack of textbooks on his desk. “Thank you.”

“Oh, and Neil?” Mr. Keating called as Neil turned to leave. “Have you considered telling him?”

_ “Telling _ him?” Neil echoed, freezing in the doorway. “I-I can’t do that!”

“Have you tried?”

“No…”

“I admit, I don’t have all the details, nor do I have the right to ask for them. But I would advise you to discuss it with someone who does.”

“Okay,” Neil agreed after a moment’s pause. “Thank you, Captain. Really.”

“Charlie?”

Charlie glanced up, offering Neil a lazy smile from where he was lying on his bed, feet up against the wall, legs crossed. “Hey. What did Keating want to talk to you about?”

“It...wasn’t important,” Neil said. “But there’s this problem I’ve been having that I wanted to ask you about.”

Charlie shifted around to sit up, brow furrowed as he met Neil’s gaze. “Sit down,” he suggested, nodding at the space on the bed next to him. “You look upset. Tell me what’s going on.”

Neil sat, and for a while, neither of them spoke.

“It’s about Todd,” Neil admitted at last. “I...well, at the cave, I told you guys that I was gay, remember?”

Realization lit Charlie’s gaze, and a slow grin spread across his face. “Oh, I see what you’re saying. You like him, don’t you?”

Neil sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “I - I really do...”

“So? Just tell him.”

“That’s exactly what Mr. Keating said!” Neil groaned, letting his head fall back against the wall behind him. “But I’ve never...I wouldn’t know how to say it…”

“There’s nothing to it,” Charlie insisted. “You just tell him. He’s not going to be mad or anything, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“I guess, but he’s my roommate, Charlie! What if things are awkward afterward?”

“That’s always a risk,” Charlie admitted hesitantly. “But sometimes it’s a risk you need to take.”

“Yeah,” Neil said, slow and quiet. “You’re right. I-I need to go find him!”

Charlie grinned. “Finally. Just talk to him, Neil. It’ll be fine.”

After saying goodbye to Charlie, Neil practically sprinted back to his room, nearly tripping in the doorway when he saw Knox leaving the room.

“Knox? Where’s Todd?”

Knox simply shrugged. “He said something about going for a walk.”

Neil immediately turned to leave, but Knox followed and grabbed Neil’s shoulder. “Listen, he...he’s got a lot on his mind right now. You should probably give him some space.”

Neil’s brow furrowed, searching Knox’s face for a hint of the meaning behind those words. “What do you mean? Shouldn’t I at least see if I can help him?”

Knox shook his head. “He’ll be back soon enough. You can talk to him then.” He grabbed his book, patted Neil on the shoulder once, and left, calling back as he walked down the hallway. “Whatever you’re worrying about, just forget it. He’ll be fine.”

Neil had spent nearly an hour tossing and turning restlessly before he finally fell asleep. The room - and his bed, too - felt strangely empty without Todd there to fill the space with his calm, comforting presence.

But Neil thought nothing of it. He forced himself to go to sleep, but when he woke up, Todd still hadn’t returned, so he threw on some clothes and made his way down the hall to Knox’s room.

“Knox?” He called, placing a hand flat against the door.

After a moment, Knox answered, pulling the door open. “Hey, Neil.”

“Do you know where Todd went for that walk he mentioned?”

Knox frowned. “Um, I’m not sure. Maybe down by the lake. Why?”

“He didn’t come back last night,” Neil said, glancing down the hall, hoping to see Todd just returning, face flushed red from the cold, a dusting of snow over his hair and clothes.

But there was no one there.

“Oh, no. Okay. Help me wake the others, we need to find him.”

They woke their fellow members of the Dead Poet’s Society and quickly explained what had happened, and it seemed that everyone was in immediate agreement about their course of action.

Go outside, split up, and find Todd as fast as possible.

In his rush, Neil had forgotten a jacket, and he was really starting to regret it as he trudged through the snow down to the lake, squinting in the early-morning sunlight as it glinted off of the snow and into his eyes. He only looked up once he stumbled out onto the dock, hearing the thunk of the wood underneath his feet and seeing a figure sitting hunched on the edge of the dock, snow-covered, kicking at the ice beneath him with one hanging foot.

“Todd?” Neil called, keeping his voice quiet and his tone gentle.

Todd caught Neil’s gaze over his shoulder, looking him up and down for a moment. “Neil. Come sit down.”

A confused frown tugging at his lips, Neil obliged, sitting on the edge of the dock next to Todd. “What are you doing? Have you been out here all night?” He placed a hand on Todd’s shoulder, feeling how he shook with fierce shivers every few seconds. “Jesus, Todd, you’re going to freeze to death!”

“You’re one to talk,” Todd pointed out. “You don’t even have a jacket on.”

Neil shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. We need to get you back inside, we had no clue where you were...everybody’s worried sick.”

Todd said nothing for a long while, and Neil had begun to consider standing and practically dragging him back to Welton, but a quiet admission stopped him from moving at all.

“I knew what you meant,” Todd confessed. “With that poem, and what happened on the night of the play.”

Neil’s brow furrowed. “What do you - ?”

“Well, I sort of knew. Just a little.” Todd looked down as the foot he was swinging idly cracked the ice at the surface of the frozen lake, though there was more ice beneath, trapping the water far below. “I never had a plan or anything. Hell, I never even cut. But god, did I consider it.”

“Is that why you’re out here?”

Todd shook his head. “No...well, maybe, but that’s not all of it. I just couldn’t stop thinking about what would have happened if you’d actually done it.”

“Everyone would’ve moved on,” Neil said with a dismissive shrug. “And maybe I’d be happier. My father’s withdrawing me from Welton by the end of the month. Putting me in some military school like he said he would.”

Todd grimaced. “I heard. Maybe that’s why I’ve been thinking so much lately.”

“How can I help you, Todd?”

“Just promise you won’t leave when I tell you this?”

Neil nodded. “I promise.”

“I-I would’ve been devastated if you’d died. You’re my best friend, but you’re so much more than that, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you, Neil, and nothing makes sense anymore but I just know I want you in my life and - “ Todd broke off with a choked sob as another shiver wracked his body.

Neil hesitated, searching for something to say, but it only lasted a fraction of a moment before he was standing, brushing the snow from his clothes. Todd looked up at him, hurt and resignation in his gaze. “Neil…”

Neil shook his head quickly. “I’m not leaving. Not as long as you want me to stay. But as much as I’d love this sort of cheesy confession out in the snow, you’re really going to freeze. Let’s get you up to our room, and...we can talk about this more there.”

Todd nodded, wiping at the tears on his cheeks with the heel of his hand and letting Neil pull him to his feet and wrap an arm around him, pulling him closer as they walked back to Welton.

Neil spotted their friends near the doors, waving at them frantically, and he turned his head to press his lips gently to Todd’s temple.

“For the record,” he murmured against Todd’s skin, “I love you, too.”

Before Todd could react, Neil pulled him the rest of the way up the hill and into the crowd of their waiting friends.

But they both knew that the shiver that ran through Todd’s body that time had nothing to do with the cold.

Neil had been very efficient in handling the situation. He sent Charlie to the kitchen to make a cup of hot chocolate, and within a few minutes he’d situated Todd in his bed and dragged the blankets from both of their beds to form a sort of makeshift nest around Todd.

“Neil, I’m f-fine,” Todd insisted weakly, trying to disguise the slight chattering of his teeth.

“You were outside all night,” Neil insisted, pacing back and forth across their room as though he wasn’t sure what to do next. “Just try to warm up, alright?”

There was a knock on the door, and Neil paused in his pacing just long enough to open the door and grab the mug of hot chocolate from Charlie. “Thanks,” he offered as he made his way back to Todd’s bed to hand him the mug.

Todd took a careful sip, and Neil nodded, satisfied.

“I see your maternal instincts are really kicking in, Perry,” Charlie said with a teasing smirk, leaning one shoulder against the doorframe.

“Ha, ha. Very funny, Charlie.” Neil rolled his eyes, sitting down on his own bed, opposite Todd. “Who else is out there?”

“Um - “ Charlie turned to look out into the hallway. “I’ve got Pitts and Meeks. No clue where Knox went.”

“Charlie?” Todd called, sitting up straighter in his bed and glancing between Charlie and Neil with a guarded gaze. “Would you mind leaving? Just for a few minutes? Neil and I...we need to talk.”

Charlie raised his eyebrows, meeting Todd’s eyes for just a moment before shifting to look at Neil. “That’s fine.”

He backed out of the doorway and pulled the door closed, leaving Neil and Todd alone in their room.

There was a long, tense moment where they were both quiet, staring at the door where Charlie had been standing as a thick silence settled over them like the layers of ice over the lake.

Oddly enough, Todd was the first to break it.

“You love me?”

Neil tore his gaze from the door to look at Todd, tilting his head to the side with a puzzled smile. “Of course I do.”

“But I’m - I’m such a mess.”

Neil stood from his own bed and slid in next to Todd, holding out an arm in an invitation and allowing Todd to shift closer to him.

“That makes two of us,” Neil said softly, taking Todd’s hand in his own free one and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

For a while neither spoke again, the silence that surrounded them warm, affectionate, and comfortable as Todd finished his hot chocolate and Neil simply sat there with him, still holding his hand, waiting, never prodding, the same way Todd always had for him.

“So...what does this mean?” Todd asked softly, turning to look at Neil. “About - about us?”

“I think it means whatever you want it to mean,” Neil replied with a gentle smile, leaning his forehead against Todd’s. “Whether that’s friends, or boyfriends, or anything else you can think of.”

“Boyfriends,” Todd said, unusually decisive. “I like how that sounds. How that feels.”

“I do, too,” Neil whispered, shifting a bit closer as his gaze flickered down to Todd’s lips. “Todd, can I…?”

“Please.”

The next moment felt as though it simultaneously lasted an eternity and no time at all. Neil pulled his arm away from Todd’s shoulders and up to his cheek, cradling his face and watching the way his eyes roamed Neil’s face, searching for something. Their intertwined hands were resting on Todd’s thigh, and Todd’s other hand found its way to Neil’s chest. The gentle touch distracted him for just a moment until their lips brushed ever so slightly, and then he was distracted in a different way.

Todd’s lips were soft, dry but not chapped, with the faintest hint of chocolate lingering behind them. He seemed reserved, shy, almost hesitant, and Neil slowed to match the pace he set, at first trying to commit each second to memory until he got lost in the feel and taste of Todd’s lips and gave up on trying to think much of anything at all. Instead, he just followed the steady, soft give and take of their kiss, and when they finally pulled away, one kiss turned into two, then three, each of them as hesitant to separate as the other.

“I don’t want this to end,” Todd murmured, his hand gripping slightly at Neil’s shirt.

“Who says it has to?”

Neil had barely finished the sentence before Todd was pulling him back in for another one of their slow, relaxed kisses.

The way Todd kissed, Neil thought absently somewhere in the back of his mind, knowing it was a corner of thoughts that he’d revisit often, was strangely similar to the way he wrote poetry, and somehow almost a direct contradiction to everything he seemed to be at first glance. It was a mystery that Neil didn’t mind solving, a surprise even to those who knew him best, and something practically addictive.

Eventually, though, Todd pulled away, and Neil could see the light of inspiration in his eyes. No wonder he kissed the way he wrote - this was the kind of thing he would undoubtedly write about.

“Hey,” Neil said, keeping his voice low. “You remember when you told me about how I get that look in my eyes when I’m acting?”

Todd nodded.

“You get the same one when you want to write about something.”

“Something like this?” Todd offered with a hint of a smile.

“Yeah,” Neil said, letting his hand fall from Todd’s cheek to rest back around his shoulders. “Something like this. And I’ll admit, if I were better with words, I’d probably want to write about it, too.”

“Come on, you’re not that bad,” Todd protested, leaning back into Neil’s arm around him.

Neil scoffed. “You’ve got to be joking.”

“No, you’re really good.”

“You’re better.”

“Just take the compliment, Perry.”

Neil chuckled, leaning closer to press a brief kiss to Todd’s lips. “Okay, fine.”

“This has got to be killing Charlie,” Todd said after a minute or so with a slight laugh. “I mean, he’s just been waiting out there.”

“Should we let him back in?” Neil asked, a grin spreading across his face slowly, starting in the renewed light in his eyes and rippling out from there.

Todd nodded, resting his head on Neil’s shoulder. “You’re warm.”

“You’re still freezing,” Neil countered. “Promise you won’t spend all night outside in the snow again?”

“I promise,” Todd said, smiling up at Neil and pressing a quick, shy kiss to his cheek.

Neil knew his face was flushed, knew he was certainly grinning like an absolute idiot, but he called Charlie back in nonetheless, thoroughly enjoying the expression on his face at the scene in front of him.

“So you two finally got your shit together.”

Neil glanced down at Todd, at the blush dusting his cheeks as he pressed a bit further into Neil’s side, and he smiled. 

“Yeah, I guess we did.”

And if the news had spread to all of their friends in less than an hour, it didn’t really matter much to either of them.

“Neil?”

“Yeah?” Neil shifted, rolling onto his side to regard Todd with tired midnight eyes.

“Have you, um, talked to your dad? Since he visited last week?”

Todd watched as Neil’s expression closed off like a flower blooming in reverse, walls stacking up behind his eyes and needles pulling thread between his lips.

“No,” he answered stiffly after a moment, mouth barely moving.

“Is there any way you can convince him to let you stay here?”

“I doubt it,” Neil muttered, laying back down on his back and wrapping an arm around Todd as he moved back into his place, head on Neil’s shoulder and hand resting lightly on his torso. “But Todd?”

“Yeah?”

“If he sends me to that military school and I...don’t come back, will you be okay?”

“Neil!” Todd exclaimed, raising his head and propping himself up just above Neil with one hand braced next to his shoulder, gaping at him in disbelief. “You - you can’t say things like that!”

“But it’s a possibility,” Neil insisted. “And I want you to know that if I get sent to that school, there’s no guarantee that we’ll see each other again.”

“If you talk to your dad, maybe we won’t have to risk it.”

“You never answered the question.” Neil sat up, looking Todd directly in the eye. “In the worst-case scenario, will you be okay?”

Todd’s gaze fell, and he swallowed hard, just once. “No,” he answered, voice raw and honest. “If you do that to yourself? I couldn’t - I can’t even think about it.”

Neil nodded, slow and thoughtful. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then why would you hurt yourself?”

Neil’s brow furrowed, and he glanced away from Todd’s gaze, more fiery than usual, piercing right through him, and he could feel himself being pulled apart under that fierce, bright, question-riddled look. “I...I don’t know.”

“I’m not going to make you promise not to do it again or anything like that,” Todd began, “but can you please just tell me next time you’re considering something like that?”

“Even if it’s late, like last time?” Neil asked with a tight-lipped smile and a bittersweet, almost pained glint in his unfocused eyes.

“Even then,” Todd confirmed, dipping his head and pressing a soft kiss to Neil’s forehead. “Okay?”

Neil took a deep breath before turning back to look at Todd. “Okay.”

Todd stepped into his room and he knew something was different.

For a moment, he was worried that it was Neil. That maybe something had happened. A quick glance around the room revealed that Neil wasn’t there, but what felt wrong wasn’t who was missing from the room - it was who was inside.

“Mr. Perry?”

Neil’s father stood from where he was sitting at Neil’s desk, shuffling through a few loose papers. “You’re the roommate, aren’t you? Anderson?”

“Todd Anderson, sir,” Todd replied, taking a miniscule step forward to peer down at the papers on Neil’s desk. “Those are - those are Neil’s. That’s some poem he’s been working on. He said he doesn’t want anyone to read it yet.”

Mr. Perry laughed, though there was no real humor behind it. “I can see why.”

Ignoring the anger burning just below the surface of his skin, Todd offered Mr. Perry a forced smile. “Not to be rude, sir, but may I ask why you’re here?”

“I have a few things to discuss with my son. Specifically, his reluctance to leave Welton.”

Todd bit back a gasp. “You can’t seriously be withdrawing him!”

Mr. Perry’s eyes flashed with something dark and angry, something that made Todd take a step back. “I’ll raise him however I wish, regardless of  _ your _ feelings on the matter.”

“What about Neil’s feelings?” Todd challenged, an edge of desperation sharpening his tone.

“I’m withdrawing him from this school and that’s final.”

“Look, Mr. Perry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but Neil is - I love him,” Todd said, the words coming out all in a rush before he could stop and consider what he was saying. “And I barely know what I’d do without him anymore. He’s one of the strongest, bravest people I know, and he’s so talented it’s almost intimidating, and he’s a damn good actor, too. If you can’t see that - “ Todd’s voice was rising, just on the verge of a shout, like he was a grenade and this visit, this tense, explosive conversation, was about to pull the pin.

But the door opened, and Todd fell silent as Neil rushed over, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Todd,” he said softly, “you’re shaking. Go sit down, alright? Thank you, but I need to talk to him.” And something in his voice brought Todd back to reality, his mind clearing as he nodded, just once, before retreating and leaning against the edge of his bed.

“Neil.”

It was barely a greeting, more of a terse acknowledgement than anything else, and Neil’s reply was just the same.

“Father. What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to discuss my plan for you once you leave Welton.”

Neil’s eyes widened, his mouth falling open indignantly as his head shot up. “You mean military school and then Harvard? Wasting the next ten years of my life on something that means absolutely nothing to me?”

“You could be successful as a doctor. It’s the best life you could live, Neil. You’ve got chances I never had and I intend to make sure you take them.”

“But that isn’t what I want to do!”

“You want to act, don’t you?” Mr. Perry asked, nose wrinkling with distaste. “That ridiculous obsession will get you nowhere.”

Neil cast a desperate glance back at Todd, who nodded encouragingly.

_ Tell him. I’ll be here if anything goes wrong. _

“I don’t just want to act, Father,” Neil said, tone slow and hesitant. “I...I want to  _ live. _ And I can’t do that with you pushing me toward a life that I don’t want. I’m sick of sitting back while you tell me what to do. Go to Harvard, get a medical degree, find a wife, and just keep working until I die. But I’m not sure I want any of that anymore.”

“What do you want, then?” Mr. Perry prompted almost gloatingly, as if he thought Neil would back down at the first sign of a confrontation.

But the change was almost immediate and certainly evident. Neil straightened his spine, lifting his chin and taking a deep, steady breath. “I  _ do _ want to keep acting. That’s a given at this point. I’m not sure if college is even what I want, but if I have to go, I’ll be going to get a degree for something I want to learn more about. And I don’t want a wife.”

Mr. Perry’s brow furrowed. “But if you don’t find a wife, you’ll just be alone. Do you  _ want _ to be alone?”

Todd stood, keeping his gaze fixed on the two of them, on the tension that was almost visible in the space between, as he moved to stand behind Neil.

Neil shook his head, a rebellious fire in his eyes as he met his father’s gaze. “Don’t you remember what I told you in ninth grade, Father? I don’t want a wife,” he repeated, slowly as if he was talking to a child, “because I want a husband instead.”

Todd took that as his cue, slipping his hand into Neil’s, his own form of a silent protest against everything he knew Neil had been fighting for years.

The offended noise that tore itself from Mr. Perry’s lips would have been almost funny if Todd hadn’t been so scared.

“You know what,  _ Neil?” _ Mr. Perry spat, the fury in the air and in his tone almost palpable. “You can do whatever you want. You can stay at this school. You can keep acting. You can ruin your own life. But the moment you turn eighteen, you’ll be on your own, because I sure as hell won’t be helping you.”

Before Neil or Todd could retaliate, through words or otherwise, Mr. Perry had swept out the door, slamming it behind him with a resounding  _ crack!  _ that seemed to echo through Todd’s bones.

Neil practically seemed to wilt right before Todd’s eyes, his head falling and his shoulders slumping.

But all the while, the light in his eyes and the triumphant grin he bore, the one that he had fought to earn the right to wear, never wavered in the slightest.

“...Neil?”

Neil’s only response was a sleepy hum as he opened one eye to show he was listening.

“Did you mean what you said to your father? About wanting a husband?”

Neil’s brow furrowed for barely a second before the question registered in his mind. “You want to know if I meant you.”

A bright blush spread from Todd’s cheeks, and that was enough of an answer, Neil decided, leaning over to capture Todd’s lips in a brief kiss, sweet and warm without turning heated.

“It’d never be anyone else.”

“Oh, come on, Charlie. You can’t have packed up all your stuff already.”

Charlie leaned against the doorframe of Neil and Todd’s room, smirking. “What can I say? I’m a wizard.”

Todd grinned before turning back to his trunk, carefully folding and rearranging his possessions to fit everything inside and listening to Charlie and Neil talk quietly behind him.

“Thanks again for letting me stay with you.”

“It’s no big deal,” Charlie said dismissively. “You know my parents love you. It’s a shock they haven’t tried to take you in already.”

Neil chuckled softly. “With the way my father treats me, it’s a shock I haven’t had to ask.”

The silence that fell in the room was practically tangible. Todd froze halfway through sorting his poetry books into his trunk, remaining still and quiet until Charlie cleared his throat. “I, um...I’d better go say goodbye to everyone, I’ll be waiting outside when you’re - “

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Neil interrupted. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Charlie assured him. “It’s your asshole of a dad. I’ll be outside.”

After Charlie had left, the door closed behind him, Todd continued his packing, speaking up after a long, half-tense moment.

“He’s not angry at you,” Todd pointed out. “No one in their right mind could be.”

“I know,” Neil said with a sigh. “I just feel like...like joking about it like that is the only way to stay calm, to not think about it too hard. To be okay.”

Todd closed his trunk and turned to Neil. “Are you  _ really _ okay?”

Neil raised an eyebrow with a bittersweet, playful grin. “Am I ever?”

With a sigh, Todd spun slowly on his heel to survey their room, now stripped of all of their belongings, everything that had made it  _ theirs _ over the course of the year. “We’re probably never going to come back here,” he said, a slightly longing edge to his voice as Neil moved to stand with him in the middle of the room.

“Good riddance,” Neil added with a proud smile as Todd’s quiet laughter blended with his own.

He waited for a moment while their amusement tapered off before nudging Todd with his elbow. “Hey...I’m going to miss you.”

Todd groaned, leaning his head against Neil’s shoulder. “You make it sound like we’re never going to see each other again!”

Neil shook his head, still smiling as he turned, cradling Todd’s face in his hands. “I’ll text you, I promise.”

“If Charlie isn’t dragging you to parties every night,” Todd countered, a weak attempt at a joke. “You’ll be having too much fun.”

“Not without you.”

Todd relaxed, ever so slightly, even managing a small grin of his own.

“You have nothing to worry about,” Neil assured him, quickly checking his watch. “Are you finished packing? We should probably go.”

Outside of Welton, the members of the Dead Poet’s Society were saying their goodbyes.

They were all messes, in their own respective ways. Meeks was hugging Charlie, requesting that he promise not to lose touch. Charlie promised repeatedly, and he was laughing, jovial as ever, save for the hint of sadness in his eyes. Pitts stood nearby, trying to get Knox’s attention, and Knox was talking to someone on the phone - probably Chris, Todd guessed as he overheard bits and pieces of Knox’s side of the conversation.

“There you are,” Charlie called as Neil and Todd joined the group. “Are you two as ready to get out of here as I am?”

“Won’t it feel strange to leave, though?” Todd asked, turning to look back at the school. “I only got here a year ago and somehow I’m finding it hard to let go.”

“Yeah, you didn’t get a chance to learn just how bad it is,” Neil chimed in, grinning. “Pretty hard to seize the day with your hands tied behind your back.”

“And you say you aren’t a writer,” Todd said, prompting a laugh from Neil.

They stood there for nearly an hour, just talking and laughing as their friends and classmates left, one by one, until it was just Neil, Todd, Charlie, and a few other stray students waiting there, watching as Meeks drove off.

“We should probably go,” Charlie said after a long moment, unusually subdued. Neil nodded.

Todd forced back the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes, adding his own quiet agreement. “You two had better text me.”

Charlie rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “Have you met Neil? He won’t need any reminders, trust me. He loves you so much, it’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, please. You’re no better when you’ve got your eye on someone, Char,” Neil teased, glancing back at Todd. “...I mean, you’re right, but you’re also a hypocrite.”

Charlie punched Neil’s shoulder playfully and pulled Todd into a brief, one-armed side hug. “I’m going to wait in the car. Give you two some privacy. See you around, Anderson.”

“You okay?”

Todd nodded quickly. “I’m - I’m fine.”

Neil shook his head ever so slightly. “You know I’m not going to buy that, Todd.”

“It’s so stupid, though. We’re not saying goodbye forever.”

“Yeah, but neither of us really knows what’s going to happen next,” Neil reasoned. “And...and it’s okay to be nervous about that.”

“We’ll see each other soon, though, won’t we?”

“Of course. And, hey, are you listening?”

“I’m listening.”

“I really, really love you.”

“I really, really love you, too.”

After pressing a gentle kiss to Todd’s lips, Neil pulled away with a sad smile, turning to find Charlie parked on the street near them. “I should go, I guess.”

Todd watched Charlie and Neil drive away as he took a moment to prepare himself to head back to his own house, with his parents that couldn’t be bothered to care and his brother who showed him up at practically everything. It had never really felt like home, but now that he’d found a place - or rather, a person - that did, he knew it would be even worse.

But Neil was only ever a text or a call or a few hours’ drive away, with countless memorized Shakespeare quotes and an endless list of ways to cheer Todd up and a light in his eyes that could only ever be dimmed, not extinguished, by the world around them or whatever he was facing inside his own mind.

Somehow, despite the way that everything had changed, the upcoming summer didn’t seem so unbearable after all.


End file.
